S T O R I E S - Cafe Corante - Continues...(Part 2)

Last week, on Cafe Corante...

..."My name is Ebony..."  ...

..."Cool.  Should you really try to shoot us for that though, or was that for dramatic effect too?"

"I have a very good reason for wanting to shoot you"

"Oh." ...



...This week...



Ebony fell silent, staring vacuously at her "Bloody Mary", running a slender digit around the rim.

No-one spoke for a good minute.  So I decided to prompt her.

"Ebony-" I ventured,

"It was the magician", she said suddenly, fixing my gaze.  "She took-....do you know what she did?"

"No", I said, my eyes darting momentarily to the floor.  Ed said nothing but shook his head slowly, maintaining eye contact with this beautiful, sad woman.  There was a long pause as Ebony's gaze began searching the room.

"Why do they come here?" she asked, turning her attention back to me.

"Dunno", I replied, pausing for thought.  "I guess we're all looking for something, beyond just eating and sleeping, and some people think they might find a bit of that here".

Glances are exchanged and silent nods signal concurrence.  It's a weird and awkward situation.  I don't really want to be doing this right now and I'd bet my left nut that Ed don't neither, but the alternative reeks of kicking, scratching and premature death.




- 4 -


"Let's drink", I suggest, with a charitable grin.

We charge our glasses and promptly neck our respective beverages. Ebony holds up her glass but doesn't make eye contact. Nobody says "here's to", coz five of the six of us still haven't the foggiest what we're doing here. And the one that does isn't really talking. Not yet. Hence the social lubrication sponsored by Smirnoff. Potatoes could save our lives here.

To be honest, now that my heart rate has subsided somewhat, I'm a little curious. We've had a few magicians through here, though I don't want to press for details. Ebony still has the gun. She'll talk when she's ready.

I look at our three travellers, sitting awkwardly silent, clutching their empty glasses, taking in the scenery of the lounge and throwing the occasional furtive glance in Ebony's direction. I don't even know their names.

"French right?" I ask, looking them in the eye and breaking the silence.

"Ahh two Belgian and one Swedish" answers one of the young ladies in a thick Belgian accent, gesturing appropriately as to who comes from where.

"I'm Elodie, this is Adele, and this is my boyfriend Lukas"

"Oh great, I'm Ned, this is Ed, and..this is Ebony", I calmly replied, also gesturing accordingly.

"Hello, hello, hello", everyone greeted eachother quietly, nodding politely in eachother's direction. Even Ebony participated to a certain extent, albeit far more distractedly. The yellow pistol remained in her right hand which was resting on her right thigh. She was still very much in control and centre stage of this impromptu little soiree. Nobody wanted to be the cat that got too curious.




"'Nuther round of drinks?" Ed enquired, looking around the group, eyebrows raised innocently to convey this is a question, not a demand.

"Absolutely", was the general reply, implied or otherwise.

"Roger", Ed obliged, pushing himself to his feet.

"I'll grab some snacks", I declared, also jumping to my feet to join Ed behind the bar for a quick debrief.

Sidling up together behind the apparent safety of said bar as we prepared our respective offerings, I confer with Ed in hushed tones from the corner of my mouth:

"Ed"

"Noodle"

"What - the - faaaark??"




...to be continued...

P H I L O S O P H Y - Quote d'Jour

This quote was sent to me by an old mate recently:


"Remember Bob; no fear, no meaness, no envy."

- A rather drunk Tommy Makem (60's Irish folk singer) parting a few words of life advice to a young Bob Dylan.


NB - It should be noted that to take the "no fear" idea too literally can result in seriously premature death. Teflon accepts no responsibility for your actions here-on-in :) Enjoy!

Teflon - Now Contactable! teflonetix@gmail.com

Hello!

I've finally got my act together and created a Teflon email account (murlfrog@gmail.com), so please feel free to send me comments, feedback, abuse, contributions of any kind (info, stories, photos, humour, life advice). All published contributions will be credited to your good self, unless anonymity is requested.

But it doesn't end there, oh no, don't worry about that, Teflon management has also insisted we get super cyber friendly and jump on the Twitter train! And so it is, Teflon, now certifiably Tweetable at "teflonetix" on the Twitter machine.

Not enough? U want more? We-he-hell we've GOT MORE!! Facebook. Heard of it? It's a thing, like email, but different. I don't really understand it, but we've got it! I believe if you type "teflonetix" into the search window on the Facebook something should come up :)


Hope to hear from you soon!



Murlfrog,


Editor/Cleaner,


Teflon Adventures Ink.

Enponderment. A core value at Teflon :)

Surf Report - Kuta-Legian, Bali

Looks like a great day for the fun boards today.

Waves are waist-chest height, winds are 5-10knot westerly. High tide is at 2.16pm.

There are plenty of fun, long rolling rights and lefts all along the beach from Halfway Kuta to Double 6 Legian today, and hardly anyone out, including me..I just enjoyed the show from the comfort of a shady nook under an umbrella with a nice cold Bintang :)

Waves will be similar size tomorrow but with lighter winds, should be good. Low tide is at 8.24am and high tide is at 3.14pm tomorrow.

Have a good day :)

This is me showing my mate Kizza how it's done at Koraniki in The Mentawais. Must be embarrassing lending your mate a board, only to have him show you up with a double-handed superman ;D Thanks Kizz. You'll get there :) Photos by Joey Melroy

Surf Report - Padma Beach - Legian, Bali

Conditions were still a bit raw and funky after the recent storm conditions, but there were plenty of fun waves in the chest-head height range around midday today, and the sun was shining. Winds were still onshore, as expected, but fortunately much lighter than yesterday, hovering around 4-10knots.

There's a new bank directly infront of the carpark throwing up some good rolling rights and a few lefts, and the old right 100m north of there had a few tasty ones.

Swell should be a touch bigger tomorrow, and winds slightly stronger onshore.

Back home now watching the Australian Open quarterfinals. Rafael Nadal just took care of Gregor Dimitrov in a hard fought 4-setter, and soon Federer will take on Andy Murray for the evening blockbuster! Can't wait. Gotta go get a coupla beers to put in the fridge for that one. I'll be cheering for Fed. The guy is a gentleman, and there aren't many of us left these days ;D

Enjoy!

This was a super cruisy early morning sesh at Lance's Left in The Mentawais. The board I'm riding is a 5'10 Tommy Carroll Tuflite hybrid fish thing; one of my all time favourites. Fantastic buoyancy and a perfect template. This one's getting pretty old, she's been patched up a few times, but I'll definitely be replacing her with a new one when the time comes. Love your magic board. Care for it. Nurture it. They don't come along too often. Oh and don't forget to ride the bah-jaysus out of it! :) Photos by Joey Melroy

Surf Report - Kuta-Seminyak, Bali

Howling 20-30knot north-westerlies today. Waves head-height plus, but not really worth it. East coast or a good book or movie were your best options. Or a game of pool and a coupla coldies..:)

Swell might be slightly smaller tomorrow, but should still see plenty of waves in the head-height range. The good news is that winds are forecast to be lighter, so could be good waves on both coasts tomorrow, especially east coast.

Good luck!

Enjoying a quick bit of shade in the Mentawais as my buddy, Amae, from The D'bora, offers encouragement on his way back out (thanks Amae:) . Photos by Joey Melroy

Surf Report - Kuta + Padma Beach, Bali

Fun head-height waves and light-moderate westerlies graced the beachies here today. Unfortunately last night's howling onshores and heavy rains also brought many a ton of plastic garbage to the western shores. Makes for an interesting ride when your fins are carrying plastic bags down the face of a wave! A timely reminder to say no to plastic, and to re-use and recycle it, whenever possible.

Should be plenty of swell again tomorrow and similar winds. East coast should be pumping..;D Enjoy!

Giving it my best "Morning Of The Earth" at Bintang, Mentawai Islands. Photo by Joey Melroy

S U R F - Ulus for Supper :)

Oct 2012 - Negotiating for barrels at Uluwatu. By the last 2 frames talks had well and truly collapsed and it was time to move on. Racetracks, that wily minx..:)

S C I E N C E - The Mechanics of Teflon (PTFE)

Teflon is made from polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE), which is composed of carbon and fluorine atoms.

Fluorine atoms have extremely high electronegativity, the highest of any element, meaning they repel any other atoms that come near, including the ones in that delicious free-range egg you've got your eye on. These repelling forces are known as van der Waals' forces, named after the Dutch scientist Johannes Diderik van der Waals.

PTFE is the only known dry surface that a gecko can't stick to. Interestingly, geckos can stick to dry glass, but have trouble on wet glass, whereas it's quite the opposite with Teflon, where wetting the surface actually makes it easier for the little critters :)




References:

- Ben Biggs (howitworksdaily.com)
- Laura Howes reporting on Alyssa Stark's research at The University of Akron, Ohio (prospect.rsc.org)
- wikipedia.org

P H I L O S O P H Y + S C I E N C E - Food for Thought - Einstein

Albert Einstein was once asked by a friend if he believed that absolutely everything could be expressed scientifically.

To which Albs replied:

"Yes, it would be possible, but it would make no sense. It would be description without meaning - as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure."

Surf Report - Padma Beach - Legian, Bali

Waves chest-head high.

Winds westerly 10-15knots.

Despite the onshore winds there were actually a few fun waves out there early this afternoon, and no-one out! Except me. But that's probably due to the West Oz salt water that still courses through my veins. What is considered howling onshore in Indo is considered light offshore and glassy in WA :)

Swell is due to pick up a touch overnight, but winds are forecast to be similar, so east coast is probably your best option, unless you want the waves to yourself..:)

Hope you score!

Koraniki looking good enough to eat. Photo by Joey Melroy (D'bora Surf Charters)

S T O R I E S - A R C H I P E L A G O

A R C H I P E L A G O


Chapta 1

Zoomed in on Google Earth, we huddled around, eagerly clutching cold Bintangs whilst sweating over the keyboard.  We could all see it.  In the dim warm glow of the citronella lamp we could all see it.  I was going.  I didn't know about anybody else, but I was definitely going.

In Bali you hear a lot of whispers.  Whispers of Indonesia's longest Right (there must be at least a hundred of those) or some left that makes Desert Point look like Serangan.

Truth is, a lot of the whispers have merit.  Sometimes it'll be a place that is so fickle and so remote that only a handful of surfers will ever get to score it on.  Some will travel all that way, stake it out for 2 or 3 weeks and just get totally skunked.  Best they had it was one foot, onshore and sectiony.  They'll tell all their friends it's a hoax and then neither they nor their friends will ever return..much to the delight of the guy who's totally dialled in to what makes it tick and has been trying to keep it a secret his whole life.

This is a story about one such wave.  I found it on Google Earth, although it didn't really look like a wave from the photo, I thought the potential was there:  the shape of the land, the angle of the approaching swells..it looked the goods. I showed a couple of close friends but they were sceptical about whether the swell could get in there.  No doubt it would require a decent swell from the right direction, but I backed myself on this one. The waters leading to it were deep.  Energy conservation.  I figured out how to get there, checked the budget could hold it, and then rolled the dice...




My name is Archibald Montgomery Smith, and I am a surfer.
I grew up in Capel, Western Australia.  Went to highschool in Busselton and university in Perth.  These days I live in Dunsborough, working as a physio and generally surfing about 4-5 times a week.

Mum and dad taught my younger sister and I to surf around Yallingup and Margaret River, and on really big swells we would often surf a short walk from home, at the Capel Cut.  My sister, Gracie, is two years younger than me, but she loved the ocean as much as I, and took to it with fervour and glee at every opportunity.

When I was ten, mum and dad took us to Bali for the first time.  I loved it.  The waves were so good and the water so warm.  I loved the freedom of surfing in boardshorts.  Mum and dad had been there before so they knew a few little out-of-the-way gems where we could surf, either alone or with just a handful of others.

After that trip I was hooked on surf travel.  We did a few more family trips to other parts of Indonesia during my teens, scoring great waves in Sumbawa, South Sumatra and The Mentawais.  But as soon as I started earning a wage I was keen to spread my wings and explore other parts of the world.

By the age of 35 I had scored fantastic waves and had many memorable experiences around the globe in locations such as Mexico, France, Madagascar, Fiji and Japan.  

Indo got it's fair share of visits during that time too.  Being so close to WA, and with waves that good, it's hard to ignore.  And with each successive visit, you learn more secrets about the place, and it becomes evermore addictive.  

Which brings us to now.



to be continued...

S T O R I E S - the search for funny - part deux

Sep 9th

I looked around for funny again today, and it soon became apparent that I am going to have to go global with this. I marched right into The Flight Centre, slammed my fist on the counter and demanded a round-the-world ticket. I was promptly escorted from the premises by two large security guards who kindly listened to me (thanks Bruno, Frank) when I explained my full intention of paying for said ticket, and happily returned me to the premises from which I was removed.

No-one wanted to serve me (too intense), but once I had explained that I was on the search for funny they all loosened up a bit and figured I wasn’t such a bad guy/freak after all.
Amanda took care of me. “Where would you like to go sir?”
“Well I’m looking for the ultimate laugh so where do you think I might find that? ”
“As in ‘oh we had such a laugh on that trip? ‘ or ‘I couldn’t breathe, nearly died? ’ ”
“Nearly died”
She turned to the map and pointed, “I’d say here, here and here, possibly here but definitely not there.”
“Thank you Amanda. And I wouldn’t mind just sneaking a quick surf trip in here if I could.”
“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“Are you sure you’re focused on the task at hand or am I wasting my time here?”
“Yes I’m focused” I replied a little irritated, “No you’re not wasting your time. I just may need a little break from the rigours”.
“The rigours of looking for funny stuff all day?”
“Yep.”
Amanda studied me silently for a good two minutes. I didn’t drop her gaze. Didn’t blink, didn’t faulter. She soon yielded. “Okay sir” she said, now speaking softly to her computer screen, “whatever you say….loser”.

She definitely said ‘loser’, quietly, but she said it. I’m no loser, I’ll show her, I’ll show them all, I am going to find funny!




I took Amanda to dinner that night. We spoke of funny, but only briefly. Really we just wanted to go home and shag. Which we did, and it was great. “See” she said, “there is more to life than just laughter. That felt amazing, and it was funny too. We scored two goals from the one kick. You need to keep your mind open to all the other good things life has to offer. ”
“Funny?” I enquired cautiously.
“Well yeah, just your technique was a little funny” she replied distractedly; clearly more interested in examining her belly button for lint.
“Yours was hilarious” I retorted, confident I’d gained the high ground.
“Oh don’t be like that. I thought it was cute.” And she had won.




Sep 10

Today and for the next few I’ll just be getting things ready for the quest. Boring.


Sep 13

Departure: 11:30pm, Perth International Airport, red eye flight. No-one came to see me off. They think it's ridiculous.


Sep 14

1:08am

Well this is very exciting. Here I am really doing it: A late night flight to kick off possibly the greatest and noblest quest of the modern era. And all these people sitting around me don’t even know it. They’re sharing the same air as greatness and they are completely oblivious. Oh hang on, something’s happening nearby. A haggard, dodgy-looking old lady with a bung eye has motioned to the hosty. I’m listening in and actually documenting this as it happens. Aha, aww yep, she’s asking the hostess to ask me to stop speaking the words aloud as I write because A) It’s keeping everyone awake, and B) I sound like a complete tool.

Okay, I’ve accommodated the old bag and stopped talking aloud as I write, which is probably a good thing because that was embarrassing. Oop, hang on, everyone’s glaring at me again. Bugger.

Okay, I’ve got it sorted now. I get so engrossed in the writing I just don’t even realise I’m doing it. Enough about that. I’m here on a mission so I’m going to see if there is anything humorous on this here plane. First I’ll need my ninth beer. Following the embarrassment of recent events, I figure if I throw a few back I can retro-fit my apparent loopiness as simple drunkenness in the memories of those aboard, thereby becoming “the party guy” rather than “the crazy guy”. It’s worth a shot.

Surf Report - Padma Beach - Legian, Bali

Fun, very light onshore waves this morning in the head height range. There's a great little right rip-bowl churning out a few gems at the north end, and a new A-frame bank developing directly in front of the car park.

The waves have been pumping from Legian to Kuta the last few days. Saturday saw solid double overhead waves at Legian and super light offshore winds. That swell was a bit too much for Legian, but "Halfway" at Kuta was loving it! Even the great Rizal Tanjung couldn't resist a paddle :) Great swell and winds for the west coast, especially for wet season.

Swell is easing over the next couple of days, but is due to ramp up again later in the week. A tropical low over northern Australia could possibly develop into a cyclone later in the week, so Indo swells may also get a bit of extra kick out of that.

Happy surfing :)

Carry the box. Drop the box. Oily Ulus looking delectable, Oct 2013

Surf Report - Padma Beach - Legian, Bali

None too flash out there today, just onshore winds and lotsa closeouts in the head height range. The sun was out though and the crowd was non-existent, so it wasn't all bad :)

Swell will be bigger again tomorrow and winds are forecast to be very light and variable. Padma might max out, but there could be some great waves down Kuta way. If you've got wheels, east coast will be pumping no doubt.

Enjoy!

Feet, umbrella, reeling lefts. Hello Indo :)

T R A V E L - Thailand Part 2 - Bioluminescence and The Koh Pi Pi's

After a week on Koh Lanta we decided it was time to pull up stumps and have a gander at the Koh Pi Pi's:


Koh Pi Pi Don - Koh Pi Pi done!

And it really is done. This island is easily one of the most visually stunning works of nature I've ever seen, but it is also the most touristy. We were stoked to have seen it, and we did have a good time, but we were also relieved to leave. Too many people, too much pollution. We didn't swim here because the river emptying into the ocean is a putrid mix of chemicals and other waste.

Should really be World Heritage, but it's not. So there are collection tins at the main lookout to raise money to feed the introduced CATS and native monkeys. Feed the cats that indiscriminately kill any native wildlife they can, and feed the monkeys to breed dependency and introduce disease.

Speaking of monkeys, they were fun, especially when an entire family of them raided the clothes horse on our verandah and attempted to eat Fani's bikini top! I gave Fanz a self-assured "don't worry babe", strutted onto the verandah, chest puffed, lats flexed, and demanded the bikini back. Turns out I wasn't the alpha male on the verandah that day. Big Papa screeched at me, bared his rabid fangs, TRASHED the clothes horse, and I charitably let him have the bikini :)

From top-bottom: 1. Southside KPP Don 2. Fanz throwin' shakas from the view at the top. 3+4. I taught the local groms ballet... 5... they showed me how to move house.. 6...and the monkeys taught us how to breastfeed on a window sill :)



Koh Pi Pi Leh (Maya Bay) and it's Luminescent Ways -

One of the highlights of our trip. Once again, easily one of the most beautiful islands I've ever seen, and although it is very popular with day-trippers from Pi Pi Don, you can still get it fairly uncrowded if you do the late afternoon trip.

We did such a trip, departing KPP Don for KPP Leh at 3pm, returning around 8pm.

Arriving at Maya Bay (the beach made famous in Leo Dicaprio's epic 1999 travel flick "The Beach") around 3.30pm, we promptly anchored in the centre of the bay, strapped on masks and snorkels and had a bit of a ginder at the sealife below. I found a spoon. There was a little bit of life, nothing spectacular, but it was nice to be in the water again, and with such beautiful surroundings.

After snorkelling we were deposited on the beach in a small tender, where we frolicked and explored for a couple of hours; the island becoming less crowded by the minute as boatloads of happy snappers returned to the hustle and disco of Pi Pi Don.

At 6pm we returned to "The Mothership" (well not that big, but bigger than the tender), still anchored in the bay, where we were served excellent home-cooked food, followed by a delicious serving of bioluminescence! Not to EAT, to swim with! It was fantastic. We motored to a corner of the bay, and then when it got dark enough we all piled overboard and snorkelled with the luminescent plankton. The watery fire flies were abundant and it was an exhilirating experience. I did try to take photos, but it just didn't work, sorry!

Tracking down marine bioluminescence has pretty much become a life mission for Fani ever since she first saw it on the Gili Islands a couple of years ago, so needless to say, if the amazing food hadn't already made her Thailand trip, the luminescence at Maya Bay certainly did!! :D

We motored back to Pi Pi Don on a big high that night. Mission accomplished. We would be checking out the next day and beginning the next leg of our journey: Off to Koh Tao via Phuket. More on that soon...

Enjoy! :D

Photos from top to bottom: 1. Approaching the vertical walls of Koh Pi Pi Leh 2. Entering Maya Bay 3-6. Maya Bay from the beach 7. Back on The Mothership and awaiting sustenance :)

Surf Report - Padma Beach - Legian, Bali

Swell has dropped since yesterday, but still plenty of fun waves in the head height+ range, with light onshore winds. Padma's northern banks were the pick again.

Swell will be smaller again tomorrow but there should still be a few rippable ones in the chest-head high range. Solid swell due Friday. Prepare to chuck a sickie :)

Bali Sunset

P H I L O S O P H Y - Quote d'Jour

"Stay loose, stay liquid, laugh alot..."

- Life advice from the great Randolph Dupree :)

Surf Report - Kuta/Legian, Bali

It's pumping out there today. Sunny, light offshore winds and booming swell. If you're not out there, put down your pen/shovel/newspaper/other and get out there!!

Kuta - Sets 1-1.5x head height. Long lefts and rights everywhere. Fairly crowded but still room to find your own space.

Legian:

- Padma - Sets up to double overhead. Only the best banks are holding it (north end) but there are some SIK ones! And only 4 people out.

- Double 6 - Looks like it's pumping up there too. Decent crowd around the central banks.

Squashed frog, Cobra Reef, Sumatra. Photos by Joey Melroy

S U R F - Ulus for Breakfast :)

Surf Report - Kuta/Legian, Bali

Solid swell with light onshore winds today. Sets head high at Kuta; headenahalf at Legian (3-4x overhead for the microgroms).

Lots of closeouts with the occasional shapely one.

Hopefully all the water movement will whip a few banks into shape for tomorrow!

Sunny glassy joy, West Sumbawa 2011. Murlfish, Kizza Hoges and Reevesy partaking. Photos by Master Chef (Az)

S T O R I E S - the search for funny - part wun

- the search for funny -




This is serious.
I am not a funny man. Well, sometimes I am a bit funny. I love a good laugh. It’s my favourite thing. Especially those ones where you’re all seized up, can’t breathe, tears welling up. That’s what this quest is all about – finding a laugh that will just about kill ya.

I’m nearly thirty. Three weeks to go. So I’ve been reflecting on my life lately. I mean you’d think I’ve got it pretty good: A satisfying job as an environmental technician – outdoors, cruisy, only requires my services six months of the year; a cosy house near the beautiful beaches and surf of Yallingup; good health, 20/20 vision, a good dog and no wife or kids. What more could a young man want? Well funny you should ask, because whilst sitting on the porch last week watching the late golden light caress the trees, I realised that something was missing. THE GUTBUSTER. The one where you’ve gotta prop yourself up on a mate or a bench or something. Where is it? I certainly haven’t seen much of it lately….maybe once a month if I’m lucky. So I decided to chase that rogue intangible shot of sheer joy down like a fly-blown lamb requiring the clippers and a dose of Diazanol.

So today I quit my job. They understood. “Once a month!” responded my boss, exasperated. I nodded earnestly and she passed me a stress ball. “I hope, Rowan,” she said, sounding very concerned, “when you return from this quest,” she paused, looking into my eyes, and placing a soft hand on mine, “this ball is no longer with you.”
“Thanks Katrina, I’ll get rid of it as soon as I can.”
She hugged me, we both cried a little, and then I left.
I am gunna find funny.



Monday, SEP 2, 2013

Operation funny find starts in earnest today. On the weekend I told friends and family of my new quest and, after chuckling at the “silliness of it all”, some of them offered up some pretty funny stuff. My favourite of which was a true story about a local guy, Murray Teresi. One sunny Sunday, Murray drove his old Holden ute deep into the forest on the sniff for roos and boar. The car broke down many miles from help. Murray spent hours trying every trick in the manual to get the old girl going again, but to no avail. Wrought with frustration Murray extracted his shotgun from the cab, strode purposefully away from the vehicle, spun around, screamed obscenities at it, then promptly raised his gun and shot it. Four times from four different angles. Then he walked twenty kilometres to the nearest pay phone to call his wife, who could not pick him up because she had left her keys in his car. Murray walked the remaining two kilometres home, where-upon he shot his wife’s car just once in passing then promptly went to bed.
I enjoyed that story, even more so because my friend, Liam, was beside himself with laughter as he told it.

I looked in the supermarket for funny today. Didn’t find much, except for when a young child in the queue loudly asked his mum if she was purchasing ‘the toilet paper that dad asked for? The stuff that’s soft on yer bum.’
‘Ssh, yes, now ssh,’ she responded in hushed tones. She went very red. I grinned but did not laugh.

Stopping at the video store on the way home I collected three funny DVD’s for five bucks: “Crackerjack”, “Shaun of the Dead” and “Independence Day”. I drank coffee and stayed up ‘til two a.m. watching them all. They were all very funny, especially Independence Day. Bill Pullman was amazing.



to be continued...

S T O R I E S - Cafe Corante - Begins...

Cafe Corante

-1-


5 years ago I bought this bookstore with a friend, Eddee. At 28 and 29 years of age respectively, we were sick of working for others and being busy. Books are quiet, slow and really no trouble at all.

Ed has a wife, Sarah, but no kids. I have no wife and three kids. One in India, another in Canada and one in England, three in Botswana and two in Malta. I have a girlfriend, Angie, though I don’t think she likes me very much; a situation that suits me because it removes the pressure. I don’t feel obliged to make an effort to impress her because I know I can’t, and I feel not a morsel of guilt when fooling around with other women because I know she doesn’t like me.

I wrote her a poem once in a vain attempt at burlying her into a lustful frenzy:

Angela, so pretty in pink
Take time out for love
Then back to the sink
Angela, so pretty in red,
You’ve probably done enough out there
So come back to bed.




My name is Nedward. Some call me “Noodle”. I am skinny and apparently look like pasta. Eddee is a bit tubby and looks more like mashed potato – pale and lacking definition. His wife Sarah is fit, tanned and probably the best looking female to ever talk to either of us. She’s also a very nice person. Neither myself nor Ed can possibly imagine what she sees in him.


You’ll find our bookstore in Fremantle, Western Australia, if you want to find it. “Freo” is an historical port town full of character. Travellers seem to like it. We get all sorts passing through the store, so we set up a little corner with comfy old couches and coffee and pre-loved “Lonely Planets” to accommodate them. Don’t think we’re nice people because of that. My motives are purely financial and sexual; I like to call them “sexnancial”. And Edwardo’s motives are financial, sexual and emotional. I like to call them “finesexmotional”. He is attempting to garner as many potential contacts as possible in an effort to weave a global emotional safety net to catch him when he drops from that high cliff from which Sarah will inevitably kick his sorry arse.

It’s a fairly rustic old joint. Well, downstairs it is. Upstairs is a bit different. There’s a fully stocked bar and freshly polished dance floor up there. Thick purple felt curtains, cosy burgundy couches and a plush dark green carpeted floor. Bring a bottle of something expensive to get in. We’re open every night. It’s not a business venture. It’s a community service really. We cater to those who need to escape. Things happen up there. It’s not for everyone.



-2-


So this is a story about one month in particular which was particularly peculiar. I’m telling it because I need to, and also because I think you may enjoy it, or get some other value from it, even if it just keeps you out of trouble for a couple of hours.

It all started on a Friday.
Twas just after three of the clock prime meridian when the welcome sound of ice cubes clinking in a glass full of Baileys welcomed my cochlear. “Thankyou old chum”. Eddee winked and placed the old yellow tainted glass in front of me along with a chestnut and a length of string, “Don’t mention it sport”.

As we sat facing each other, engaged in a conker duel, the door opened and a pair of very long, gorgeous legs balancing on high heels walked in. The legs belonged to a short red skirt which, after some time, we realised belonged to a woman. She was stunning, and I’m not just saying that to keep you reading, she was genuinely sizzling. Long silky brown hair, big brown eyes, plump red lips and a full firm bosom accentuated by her tight red dress (yes it was a dress, not a skirt as I’d originally thought).

We wondered if she’d like some help.
“Can we help you?” we enquired pathetically.
“Ed? Ned? Is it really you?” Apparently she knew us. I sensed trouble immediately and responded accordingly with a resounding “No!” Unfortunately Ed, bless him, hadn’t sensed trouble and responded with an equally decisive “Yes!”
She didn’t like that. She promptly whipped out a small yellow revolver from her cleavage, clever, and asked again, quite seriously this time, “yes or no?”
“Yes!” I yelled.
“No!” yelled Ed simultaneously.

“Ooh” I said, covering my mouth with my hand and looking pathetically apologetic at the crazy fox.
“Faaark” exclaimed Ed, running his fingers through his hair and looking at the ground.
BANG! She fired one off, drilling Ed’s glass of Baileys.
‘What the fuck are you doing!?’ Screamed Eddee.
‘I want my life back! I want my fucking life back you bastards!’
‘What do you mean? What have we done?’ I asked in as placatory a manner as I could muster. Her demeanour softened and she removed one hand from the gun to tuck her fringe behind her ear. Ed and I started to breathe again.
‘I came here two years ago. Up there', she gestured upstairs, ‘and it fucked me up’. Her eyes filled with tears as she stared into mine. ‘You took my soul’.

Ed and I remained silent. The mystery woman stared at us but spoke no more. Her eyes suggested she had more to say, but she was probably thinking the same thing as me; that this was not the most comfortable situation for chatting.
‘Would you like to chat about it over a drink?’ I offered.
‘Yes. Can we go upstairs?’
‘Certainly, I’ll just get rid of these bums’ replied Ed with an accommodating and slightly nervous smile. The people to which he referred were a small band of three travellers. Two young ladies from Belgium and a Swedish fella who was a boyfriend to one of the girls. They were travelling the world in search of new experiences, self discovery and adventure, so it’s not really that surprising that they remained to watch the show when the bosomed bandit whipped a pistol from her cleavage and scared the absolute crap out of me and my buddy.
‘Can we join you?’ asked Adele of Belgium. My first instinct was to ask ‘Why? Why the hell would you want to do that? This lady has a gun!’ But I knew. I knew why they were prepared to sit down and have a cuppa with this mad bitch who might just shoot them if they set her off. It’s the same reason the people go upstairs. It’s because no-one has a freakin’ clue what we’re doing on this planet, alive and thinking. Evolutionists will tell us it’s to pass our genes on to the next generation. Ya-fucking-hoo. How exciting. What do the philosophers say? I wanna know what the philosophers say. I want more options! And so does Adele.


-3-



“Cuppa or booze?”
“BOOZE” they all reply in unison. Maybe this will turn into a party.
Ed and I dish out the bevvies, then, when we are all comfortably seated on the big circular cosy couch, Ed asks the obvious question.
“So what’s this all about? What’s your name? How did we steal your soul and what have we done with it?”
“My name is Ebony. You stole my soul by teaching me to question my existence, and I do not know what you have done with it. In fact you don’t actually have it, I’m sure, I was just speaking metaphorically to enhance the drama.”
“Cool. Should you really try to shoot us for that though, or was that for dramatic effect too?”
“I have a very good reason for wanting to shoot you”
“Oh.”


To be continued...

Daily Surf Report - Kuta Beach, Bali

Not epic, but there were still a few fun waves to be had this morning. Conditions were glassy, with light variable winds and waist-chest high waves.

A lost swimming crab made me it's home for a while until I introduced it to my re-housing scheme, ala piece of floating bamboo. It was happy 'til a set wave came between us and we never saw each other again. If anyone finds a lost crab at Kuta, it's mine.

Hope you all scored. Until tomorrow...enjoy!

Weeeeee! Mentawais bunny hop. Photo by Joey Melroy.